This is my blog and it is going to blow you

This guy [er, girl] at the Human Society:

This breed is called a "munchkin persian." I think this cat looks crazy. Give her the wrong look and she'll probably cut you. I want her! I'm in <3! I feel like I know what she's thinking, just by looking at her face.

Hahaha! The people at the Humane Society named her "Tally." I don't think she likes that name. I'm going to rename her something ironic, like Giggles, or something that doesn't make any sense, like Shoe. Just to make her mad. I bet she'd try to kill Fonzie with her mind. This cat is one evil bitch. You can tell she done been wronged and she won't put up with any bullshit. I want to give her a hug!



[the yellow zig-zags are meant to illustrate her crazy mind powerz]

Is it a prank to throw a rubber band in with a box of spaghetti so it cooks and you can't tell it's a rubber band and the person almost eats it thinking it's spaghetti?

If it is, then good job, _______.

If not, then, gross?

[random office chat]

Me: I paid $150 to have the dentist tell me my mouth pain was caused by grinding my teeth.
Co-worker: In your sleep?
Me: I don't know if I grind in my sleep... at least, not with my teeth! [makes hip gyrating motion]
Co-worker: [laughs][snorts]

I just came across a draft of an advertisement for our law firm. My boss was showing it to one of the attorneys. It says something like "Patent issues? The best offense is a good defense." The picture that accompanies it is this one:

 I don't get it. Neither did one of our partners! This is the conversation that ensued:

Lawyer: "I don't get it. Don't lions eat lambs?"
Me: "The lamb is cute."
Boss: "Well we are like the lion."
Lawyer: "Well I don't thinks it makes much sense."
Me: "Are we the lamb, and we are protecting the lion?"
Boss: "No, we're the lion and we're protecting the lamb." 
Me: "Oh."

As a consumer a cute photo accompanying an advertisement that doesn't make sense is annoying. That said, I wish we could get the rights to use this photo in our advertisement:

 
I love this little guy!

So I am going to leave work early to pick them up.

But you know, maybe the deer deserved it:

 

On a whim I got a chair massage by some guy who works in the Downtown skyways.

I've never had twenty minutes go by so fast! His name was Dan. Balding men in their 40's know how to work my shit, I'm tellin' ya.

I had to sign a waver that said I acknowledge that this guy is not giving me a 'happy ending' something-something parlor something. He only takes cash and he charged $18 for 15 minutes. I only had $16 and he was like "That's fine, have a nice day!" Hurray! 

 

From Denise Richards: It's Complicated: 

"These journalists... they don't even care. They just want their story. They don't even know me, they just want their story."

Well... duh! It's their job! 

I haven't been giving movies that much love in my LiveJournal lately! I must remedy the situation... right... now.

 

 

I have nothing new or insightful to share but OMG CENTIPEDES ARE THE GROSSEST THING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD AND JUST THE SIGHT OF THEM MAKES ME WANT TO RUN OUT OF THE HOUSE.

I just Google-imaged "centipede." Do it. DO IT. They're so ugly. Just looking at all those thumbnails of those fugly bugs makes me want to jump up and run away. Far, far away. To the land where there are no bugs with so many goddamn legs. There are spiders, but they're very, very small, and they spin gold to help the economy. There are ladybugs that have cute little picnics.There are butterflies that braid your hair. No centipedes. In fact, no 'pedes of any kind.

Last night I saw a millipede crawling on the floor of my apartment. Fonzie did not eat it because Fonzie serves no function whatsoever besides sleeping by my side at night. Millipedes might even be worse because they're not as fast. This one slithered across slowly and looking like a long, shiny turd.

Ew. Ew. As I write this I feel like they're crawling all over me. AH!!!! Must... get this image... out of head...

Much better.

Today I saw Iron Man. It's a good comic book-to-movie movie. Not that I ever read the comic books, but still. You know what I mean. As a superhero I don't like Iron Man as much as Spider-Man. A big part of the appeal of Spider-Man is that he's just like us! He's a regular high school kid, down on his luck, who just happened to get bit by a radioactive spider. Whereas Tony Stark (Iron Man) is a multi-million dollar weapons defense CEO. That's just like me! Except... nothing like me at all. Robert Downey Jr. did a great job (in my pants! High-five!) but I couldn't get as involved in the movie as I could with Spider-Man 2.*

What about female superheroes? I know, here I go again, thinking. There really hasn't been any good or even decent adaptations of female comic book heroes. The ones I've seen were really bad. Really, really bad. Catwoman, Supergirl, Elektra, Barb Wire.  Female superheroes have a pretty shameful reputation on film. In supporting roles they fair no better. Look at Alicia Silverstone as Bat Girl in Batman and Robin. Is this a superhero or an ad for Pantene Pro-V? Srsly.

I bet she uses the Full & Thick shampoo and conditioner. I know I do.

You might say, what about Wonder Woman? What about Wonder Woman? I don't know much about the comics, but from what Wikipedia tells me, that shit is way too campy to take seriously. An invisible jet? A magic lasso? Bulletproof bracelets? That's...pretty gay. Is she a superhero or just a giant woman with long dark hair who has lots of cool accessories? She's like James Bond but with torpedo breasts. If they could make this superhero into a movie that wasn't campy and embarassing, go at it, but I doubt they could. I think Wonder Woman was created as a masturbatory fantasy for guys** who wanted to see a beautiful woman get tied up.

Joss Whedon tried to make an adaptation. He came up with an idea that Warner Bros. wouldn't have. My guess is that it would have been excellent but not marketable enough. Which leads me to what I believe to be the best female superhero of all time.***

 


* Which I'm watching right now. Hey there's Joel McHale! I love you, Joel McHale.
** Or girls.
*** I think The Bride from the Kill Bill movies deserves an honorable mention, although her mission was vengeance instead of saving the innocent. Still, she was strong and kicked ass. Ditto for Ellen Ripley of the Alien movies. Just the first two. Not the one where she shaves her head or the one with Winona Ryder. 

 

Bikes are great!



Which is why you'll be awfully heartbroken if it gets stolen.



Ask for a big reward.



Dottie: Pee-wee, how are you ever going to pay a reward like that?
Pee-wee: It's simple. Whoever returns the bike is obviously the person who stole it. So they don't deserve any reward!

If no one is willing to help you out, embark on cross-country journey to find it! You'll meet tons of colorful characters: a hobo, a fortune teller, a dishwasher with big dreams, a criminal, and Large Marge.





Ah! Still skeery.

If you go to a biker bar and find the crowd to be too rough, you can win them over by doing a funky dance.



The ultimate adventure on your trip will be when you follow the bike to Hollywood studios. 





In the end, you'll reunite with '80s actress/singer E.G. "Elizabeth" Daly and the story of your adventure will be made into a movie!



Don't forget to talk to your cereal every morning, either.



I pity da foo' that don't eat Mr. T cereal!

[did this entry make sense? Of course not. I just like Pee Wee's Big Adventure].



 

You know all those scenes in Miss Congeniality where Sandra Bullock keeps tripping in heels, dropping things and being all over ungraceful and clumsy? I think that was the whole movie. Well that's been me lately*, without the quirky cuteness. Today my slapstick experience involved blood. Lots of it.

I was rummaging through my purse on Friday and it somehow tipped upside-down and all the contents fell out. No one saw, but I'm sure they heard a muffled "shit!" come from my office. Later I was in the elevator on my way to lunch and I pulled my hairbrush out of my purse too quickly and it hit the elevator door. I said something like "my whole day has been so slapstick like this!" The guy (lawyer?) in the elevator with me said, "be careful, I think hairbrushes can be lethal."

Today I went to One on One with the hopes they would have a fantastic used bike in their basement for me. They didn't.** Megan, the salesperson, said, "would you like to test this Surly Crosscheck?" I didn't want to pay nearly $1,000 for a bike, but she raved about it so I gave it a try. I couldn't mount it because the seat was up really high and I started to tip over. This should've been my warning sign. I'm not used to curved handlebars or a really high seat, nor am I used to test-driving bikes in pothole-ridden parking lots in between cars. The first 15 feet went pretty well. However, when I tried to re-mount the bike and go the other 15 feet back, I tipped over. Slowly and surely
(or Surly!)*** 

I fell pretty slowly but I got up, brushed the dirt off my shorts and thanked Megan. Then I looked down to see that the chainrings on the sprocket had dug into my ankle and a pool of blood had gathered undered my foot. I also scraped my knee pretty bad (have you seen Saving Private Ryan? It's like that). I was so embarassed. I fell off the super cool bike in front of the salesperson and a bunch of random customers! I may have well just crapped my pants. I almost started to cry from the embarassment. As my friend Heidi wiped the blood and dirt from my knee, Megan said, "Haha, well there goes your career in leg modeling." How did she know of my dreams?

Heidi bandaged me up like Dr. Quinn. I even made her blow on my knee after she applied the antiseptic. It feels good even if it looked pretty gay. 




* or all my life?
** I am too tall. Were I 5' 5" or under I think I would have ridden out on the Lotus I saw. Damn these long legs! Damn them to HELL!
*** So Surly makes bikes and beer? I think I'll stick to the beer.